Words of the dreadful heart. I feel petrified seeing me before this huge magical portal [ma galaxy (ma mind)]. I could imagine me before the largest crowds ever, but could never stand before them. The fear of leaving ma comfort zone weakens me, my bedroom is ma Z and ma world, my very own voice my comfort my all,... I feel terrified at the thought of school, a place where I don't really belong to any class or group. I feel a fist clenching ma stomach, like am unexpected ketchup delivered onto ma tongue in a scoop,.. ma heart is pounding, like drums thudding and gradually coming to thunderclaps...and I feel this every time I have to be before ma peers.
I feel intimidated whenever I have to be who I've always dreamt of becoming.It was like a shadow always bending over my head in the day, and at night lying by me at the spot where I always want to be...
I remember once I fell on ma face when I should have just walked half way across the class to take an empty seat, I remember some felt sorry for me while some others laughed out loud... I don't need pity, because I think I pity me well enough.
I asked me a question, what if you were alone in the world, would that build in you that confidence which you seek? Or... maybe not, or maybe if I went about with a mask on ma face, I would be able to do and undo... but what if I can't,..? What if am scared of me, much more than I am of the world? What if ma life's been a big sweet lie, and sadly I have chosen to live in it,.. for this long and I have little or no plans of leaving this place...
I need a new chapter, who knows what's gon' happen,..when I choose to from this retire? I think I need to take the next cipher. My heart, my dear fragile heart, don't give up on me, I know I give you every reason to want to, every new day, I give you new reasons to, but please not just yet... I know I promised to always listen to your yearnings,.. but have failed in working them out,.. just give me time, just a little bit of time. Oh dear dreaded heart, just give me a lil bit of time.
Mercy Patrick is a multipotentialite, skilled photographer, creative writer and spoken word poet.Outside the professional scene, Mercy Patrick is a song writer, idealist, resource person with unconventional methods for youths struggling with their personalities, a rapper, story teller and a rusty acoustics player. 
1 comment:
I feel intimidated whenever I have to be who I've always dreamt of becoming..... U got me there
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